The Passive-Aggressive Email Phrases You Don't Realize You're Sending

Is it really a passive aggressive email or is it just a badly written email?

As a communications consultant, the number one symptom behind every passive aggressive email is a lack of effective communication skills. 

Passive-aggressive emails are almost never about a bad attitude. Everyone is short on time, no one has time to write or respond to an email and YET - email communication is 73% of the way we communicate in today’s digitally native workplace so email communication needs to be a skill that is built and improved upon. 

A passive aggressive email is always hard to objectively spot too. It’s an email that comes with a feeling associated with it. And the feeling is largely “I don’t want to work with this person”. Passive aggressive emails are the emails where the words say something reasonable and the tone says something sharper. 

• It's "per my last email," which reads like a scolding. 

• It's "just checking in on this," which reads like you already know they dropped it.

•  It's the "well," the "clearly," the "as previously mentioned", the little words that quietly tell the reader they've done something wrong. 

• And it’s the “...” after an email for no apparent reason 

When I'm reviewing emails with the teams I consult, those are the ones I circle first: per, clearly, well, just. On their own they're harmless. Stacked into a clipped email with no warmth around them, they read difficult to work with. 

And most of us are sending these without taking a minute to recognize how the tone will land.

A few tells I've learned to catch in my own drafts: you lead with the complaint before the ask, so "per my last email" lands as a disastrous opener negating what you actually need done. Or even reaching for the courtroom phrase, "as previously discussed", you’re not helping anyone comprehend what they have already missed. You lean on "just" to soften a jab that's still a jab. All of these examples were learned - poor examples taken as “professional communication”. 

So how do you write the email you actually mean? 

#1 Name the ask before the friction. 

Communicate what you need and provide (copy and paste) additional context as needed. 

Instead of "Per my last email, I still need this by the end of day," try: "I haven’t heard back on my last email. Are you able to get the information below to me by end of day today?”

# 2 Repeat what is said.

Literally copy and paste. No need for a “per my last email” or “as previously discussed”. Simply take an extra step to copy and paste the same information and send again (because clearly they didn’t read it in the first place). 

And if you’re on the receiving end of a passive aggressive email…how you respond is its own skill.

When an email lands and your blood pressure spikes, four moves keep you in charge of the exchange instead of it being in charge of you.

#1 Remove the tone.

Read it again for what it's literally asking, stripped of the attitude. Nine times out of ten there's a legitimate request buried under the edge.

# 2 Don't take it personally.

The tone says everything about their communication skills and nothing about your work. It’s not you, it’s them. 

# 3 State your goal.

Move the conversation to something actionable. Naming what you're working toward puts you back in the driver's seat of the exchange.

# 4 And lastly…kill them with kindness.

You may be tempted to answer passive-aggressive with passive-aggressive. It can sound as simple as:

"Hey [name], thanks for calling attention to this. I'm working hard to make sure [XYZ] — appreciate your patience here."

You've acknowledged them, restated the goal, and kept your integrity, without ever matching their tone.

Being a good communicator is not being soft nor is it absorbing someone else's bad day. It's about closing the gap between the tone on the emails you send and the ones you answer. That gap is a skill, which means every clipped, blood-boiling, "per my last email" moment is really just a chance to practice. I'm still practicing. So are the executives I consult. You're in good company.

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