Navigating the Ambition Penalty: How To Use Communication as Your Leverage

Before entering motherhood, I was aware of the glass ceiling, the motherhood penalty, and the climb up the corporate ladder but I wasn’t aware of the ambition penalty. 

The penalty - primarily reserved for women of childbearing age - says that women aren’t capable of growing her career and raising a family at the same time. The penalty that disqualifies a merit salary increase because a woman was just out on maternity leave. The penalty that disqualifies a promotion because maternity leave is on the horizon. The penalty that disqualifies an earned spot on the leadership team, or client project, simply because happy hours are no longer feasible on the calendar during the work week. 

If this has ever happened to you, you are not imagining it. This is a conversation I have had with countless friends since becoming a mom almost 5 years ago. 

First, let’s talk about why this happens and why "just work harder" won't close the gap. 

The ambition penalty quietly communicates one thing: working mothers are perceived as less committed, less promotable, and less interested in advancement than working fathers or women without children based solely on the fact that they are mothers. 

And let me say this: This bias is not your job to fix. BUT there is one piece of that equation you do have control over:

The fact that your lack of communication helps contribute to the gap the bias creates.

Here is what the research also shows: When working mothers communicate their ambition clearly, specifically, and repeatedly, the bias narrows. Not because you have to "prove" anything. Because clear communication removes the assumption that your ambition has dimmed.

The assumption is the quiet killer. Clear communication is the antidote.

If you are a leader or manager reading this… the same point cuts the other way. Every time you pre-filter an opportunity on behalf of a working mom on your team without asking her, you are not being considerate. You are making a career decision for her that isn't yours to make. The most respectful thing a manager can do is bring the opportunity to her directly and let her decide.

Mission: Close the Ambition Gap

Strong ambition communication is not a personality trait. It is a practice. It follows four moves, in order, every time AND it can be re-calibrated based on the season of life you’re in. 

1. Name what you want. 

Be specific. No hedging. Not "at some point," not "when there's a good time," not "if there's any room." Specific roles, specific projects, specific stretch work. And it’s ok if your ask changes over time as you gather new information and data about yourself as a working mom. For example, my capacity for work was less when I was a brand new mom but now that my kids are sleeping through the night, I can take on more work. 

2. Ground it in evidence.

Communicate what you have delivered. Communicate how you are operating and the processes to get the work done. Stand firm in what the market says. Evidence gets a real response. Feelings get "hang in there."

3. Ask for the meeting — don't ask for permission. 

Here’s what it looks like → "I'd like to schedule a 30-minute conversation about my trajectory over the next 12–18 months" lands completely differently than "I was wondering if we could talk about my career at some point."

4. Expect a real conversation.

Be prepared to negotiate, not to be handed the answer. Ambition isn't a mood. It's a plan. Bring the plan.

Three scripts you can use this week

Script 1 — The proactive ambition conversation

For when no one has passed you over yet, but the conversations about your future have gotten quieter since you had kids.

"I'd like to put 30 minutes on the calendar to talk about my career trajectory over the next 12–18 months. Specifically — what roles or stretch opportunities I should be targeting, what skills I should be building, and how we define what 'ready for the next level' looks like. I want to make sure we're aligned on where I'm headed."

Why it works: it signals you have been thinking about this, you have a clear agenda, and you expect the conversation to happen. You are not asking whether it is a good time to be ambitious. You are telling the room it already is.

Script 2 — The "we figured you wouldn't want it" pushback

For when a project, travel opportunity, or promotion was given to someone else and you heard about it after.

"I appreciate you thinking about my workload. Going forward, I'd like to be the one to make the call on what I can take on. I'm actively interested in stretch work and high-visibility projects. Please bring those opportunities to me directly and I'll decide based on the specifics. Can we talk about what's coming up next quarter?"

Why it works: the weak version — "Oh, it's okay, thanks for thinking of me" — confirms the assumption. This version corrects it, names your interest explicitly, and asks to be in the pipeline going forward. The conversation is uncomfortable. Have it anyway. Every time you let the assumption stand, it hardens.

Script 3 — Raising your hand for a stretch opportunity

For when a big project, a big client, or a promotion opportunity just came up and you want it.

"I want in on the [project]. With [relevant experience #1] and [relevant experience #2], this is directly connected to where I want to grow next. What's the next step to get involved?"

Why it works: "If there's any room" gives an out before you've even made the case. "I want in" treats your interest as information they need, not a favor you're asking for. One puts you in motion. The other waits.

Your ambition is not supposed to be guessed or assumed. It is supposed to be communicated by you, clearly, and often enough that no one in the room has to fill in the blanks.

Every time you communicate what you want and why, you are rebuilding the data your manager, your leadership team, and your organization use to make decisions about you. That data either reflects the career you're actually building or it reflects the assumption someone made about you in a meeting you weren't in.

You get to decide which one.

Your reputation is built in the moments when you communicate clearly. That includes the moments no one asked you to.

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